The Secret Life of Love and Sex by Terence Watts

Author:Terence Watts [Watts, Terence]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-78279-463-9
Publisher: Psyche Books
Published: 2014-06-26T16:00:00+00:00

There are only two ‘golden rules’ of arguing and if you can stay with them you won’t end up needing to get a divorce! The rules are: (1) Keep to the subject of whatever started the argument in the first place; and (2) Begin every sentence with ‘I’ or ‘We’, avoiding ‘You’ as far as you possibly can. Yes, it’s difficult to keep to those rules when tempers rise but all that happens otherwise is that the argument then gets worse instead of ending with an agreement. Of course, even a saint couldn’t stick to them all the time but the most important one is the first – keep to whatever the disagreement was about in the first place. Once the argument descends to the point where the argument is about the argument, there can never be a ‘winner’…only two losers, because the original cause of the row has not been resolved.

Inevitably, the focus of the disagreement will shift but since you’re reading this, try to stay on track and in control of things. We’ll make that first in the investigation of ‘Argumentese’ that we’re going to look at now.

Staying focussed

When an argument has come down to the point where we are simply trying to win, something odd happens. We lose sight of trying to solve the problem (which is often based on the sort of misunderstanding illustrated earlier) and instead seek to demonstrate that we are better/smarter/sharper than our ‘opponent’. That won’t change their mind about anything, and all that happens instead is that we strengthen their resolve to win. Then, when we cannot find a suitable clever response in time to maintain our position, our subconscious does something very obliging…It puts an entirely different argument in our mind so that we can start again from a level footing. Put simply, it’s a cop-out because we perceive we might be losing the original battle, so we start a new one. Our argument partner will usually take the bait, and before we know it we’re into nothing more useful than a shouting match from which it’s difficult to extricate ourselves without either stomping off to escape, or indulging in passive-aggressive silence. This all hinges around a basic fact: When somebody has taken a position in an argument, they will do anything to avoid changing it. Especially the Warrior…

As long as one person can stay focussed though, things can be a lot more constructive. When the conflict starts to drift into other concepts, there are many possible responses:

Bad: “Just keep to the point! You always try to…” This has just become part of the ‘point-scoring’ process.

Bad: “Oh that’s right! Dig all that stuff up again!” Defensive posturing, designed to stop them going into some place where you feel at fault.

Bad: “What on earth are you talking about now? Stop trying to change the subject and try to keep up!” More point-scoring and hugely inflammatory!

This won’t improve things at all…There are many other ‘bad’ responses but you get the idea. On the

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